That's right, it's
awards season once again, and time to discuss the nominations for
FPG's annual Tool of the Year Awards. We are excited to announce
that, pending confirmation and/or acknowledgment of our existence, we
have slated Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, and Chris
Rock to host what will surely be an elegant, star-studded ceremony.
Due to budgetary reticence, please do note however— should you find
yourself lucky enough to receive an invitation—that we are asking
guests to bring their own champagne/champagne flutes. Oh, and food. I
am not cooking for
everyone again. There are both McDonald's and Subway fine restaurants
nearby, please avail yourselves of their reasonably-priced menus.
Champagne can be procured at the Rite Aid.
Now that that's settled, on to the nominations!
The list is long, so I'll just hit some of the highlights here.
(Let's face it, nobody really cares about minor technical awards like
“Best Sharpening Performance” or “Best Rust-Proofing”
anyway.)
First up, we have the nominees for Best New Tool. After some strong
work in the Spring, many expected the Weed-Burner to be a shoo-in for
this award. Judges will be forced, however, to consider Mr. Burner's
over-the-top performance in last summer's regrettable Setting The
Lawn on Fire, a gratuitous action piece which no one enjoyed.
Simply a poor career choice, that, and a prime example of how even
the most promising young tools can go awry without a competent agent
at their control. Other newcomers include the Extendable Ladder,
which played prominently in a tour-de-force of late season pruning.
But look, instead, for Grandpa's Weeder, that dandelion-grabbing
upstart which wowed Fencebroke's Queen, to steal this year's award.
In the Best Supporting Tool category, we see many familiar faces:
Leatherman Wave Multi-Tool; Kneepads; Atlas Gloves; trusty old
Carhartt Pants, and—the one newcomer out of the bunch—Coppertone
Sport SPF 50 Sunscreen, which has always turned in stellar
performances, but due to a long, hot Summer may finally have garnered
the attention necessary to steal the spotlight from the incumbent and
perennial winner of this category: Leatherman.
To be honored with a much-deserved Lifetime Achievement Award, the
grizzled and inimitable Honda Civic Hatchback is expected to make one
of its final public appearances at the ceremony. The Civic's
truck-blood grit and versatility over two decades of service will
long stand as inspiration to vehicles twice its size and half its
age. With a check-engine light flashing, tires balding, and mushrooms
growing on the floor, the car that never hesitated to fold its seats
is not long for this world. The time is ripe for a curtain call.
Nominated for Most Innovative Use of a Tool we have the following:
-Hori-Hori Knife, in Cleaning the Gutters
-Hori-Hori Knife, in Scolding Crows II
-Pick-and-Mattock, in Breaking Open Daisy's Stubborn Christmas
Geode
-Fireox the Beastbarrow, in Wheelbarrow Rides, a Daughter's
Carriage
and, finally
-Hori-Hori Knife, in No, Officer, I Swear It's Not a Weapon
Look for Hori-Hori to run away with this one.
For Best Ensemble Performance, the nominees are:
-Half-Moon Edger, Digging Fork, Hori-Hori Knife, and Fireox the
Beastbarrow, in Removing Even More Lawn Even Though You Promised
We Were Done Last Year
-Extendable Ladder, Pruning Saw, and Loppers, in Maybe It's Time
To Call The Arborist
and,
-Yellow-Jacket Spray, Spray Foam, Lots of Wasp Traps, Two Big Rocks,
and a Flashlight, in Failing To Thwart The Hive; A Summer Of
Terror
It's anyone's guess who'll take the award, but Half-Moon et al
certainly deserve the honor after having been lied to so many times
before (seriously—this year, no more removing lawn, I swear).
And finally, we have the Big One, the Gilded Trowel, the Tool Of The
Year.
-Hori-Hori Knife, looking to add to its already crowded trophy case.
-Felco Pruners, who, let's be honest, would probably garner a
nomination just by sitting in a drawer somewhere.
-Collapsible Rake, here recognized perhaps more on the sheer volume
and breadth of work over the last year than any one performance. Many
in the industry think this could finally be the year we see a rake
take home the big prize.
And, lastly,
-Fireox the Beastbarrow, whose strong back and puncture-proof tires
have borne every last bit of sod, dirt, mulch, rocks, and woodchips
dis- or relocated in the course of Fencebroke's transformation. The
wheelbarrow is widely respected by peers for its unflinching resolve
on the job and stolid grace when leaning against the shed between
gigs.
That wraps up the
nominations, be sure to check back for the exciting results! If, for
some reason, you fail to receive an invitation to the ceremony,
please do not be offended, it is due to one of several reasons:
a.) I don't like
you
b.) I forgot to
make invitations
or
c.) I got bored
with this whole awards ceremony thing and moved onto something else
You never know, it
might be all three!
