Soon to be renowned!

Monday, April 25, 2016

Grim Garden Hands®

Now that the birds are chirping and blossoms are bulging once again, it's time for everyone's favorite Fencebroke Promontory Spring gardening tradition. No, not sowing seeds or fawning over tulips or anything so watercolor as all that. I'm talking about—that's right, you guessed it: Revenue Diversification.

I know, right!?

Yeah, we're pretty pumped, too.

Woo! Okay, okay, but settle down, I've got more blog to blog.

In order to fill Fencebroke's coffers ahead of this Summer's eagerly-awaited but financially vertiginous addition to our family, we are exploring new sources of income. And while last weekend's end-of-driveway Free Plant Sale proved wildly popular amongst neighbors and passers-by, its net contribution towards the family general fund revealed some serious flaws in concept or accounting or both.

Allow me then, in the spirit of throwing half-baked things against the wall to see what sticks, to present a brand new product from Fencebroke Industries for immediate distribution and sale: The Grim Garden Hands® lifestyle kit. Because, I'm thinking, who wouldn't want hands like these? (I'm banking pretty heavily on this assumption, so please tell me you want hands like these.)

Looking good! And so can you.

I mean, aren't you just bored to death of your clean, pain-free, non-scarred and -cracked hands? Do you lay awake at night wondering whether your hand veins are grotesque enough? Does your bandaid budget go wasted every month? Well then, the Grim Garden Hands® lifestyle kit is the reasonably-priced solution for you.

This one-of-a-kind kit includes all the accessories you'll need to cultivate the enviably macabre hands of a horticultural professional. Here we have an assortment of bandages; some old damp work gloves for culturing various fungal skin afflictions (gloves must be removed whenever hand-injury is a real possibility—these are not, in any circumstance, to be used for actual protection); a length of black rubber garden hose to permanently stain your hands a ghoulish black; our proprietary dessicant hand-creme (now with bits of grit!); a special sub-fingernail dirt applicator; and a couple of concrete-filled pots, which you'll want to carry around by fingertip in your free time to really get those hand veins throbbing.

In addition to these awesome tools, you'll receive a copy of my eight-part instructional video which covers, in excruciating detail, the excercises, lifestyle changes, and attitudes you'll need to adopt in order to take your hand abuse to the next level. Here you'll find it's not just about gardening, but also the broader, determined recklessness with which you must deploy your hands in all aspects of life. Why, truth be told, I've suffered more grisly hand injuries while grocery shopping than when I'm hard at work (seriously, this has happened twice in the last two weeks … what gives?).

Yes, this is truly a remarkable product you won't find anywhere else. Why won't you? I refuse to speculate. But now, for a limited time only, the Grim Garden Hands lifestyle kit can be yours for free!  

Or, like, ten bucks I guess—sorry, my accountant is making scary throat-slashing gestures at the word “free”. So we'll go with ten bucks. 

Sunday, April 3, 2016

Farmer's Tan in T-Minus 5 ... 4 ... 3 ...

ll right people, welcome back. It's been a long Winter. I know it's early, but you all saw the forecast; we may not get another shot at this for two months. That's right, we have the green light for Farmer's Tan, Stage 1. Let's see some lines on those arms! Everyone to your stations, give me status.

Skin tone, do we have Winter pale?

Skin tone, pale like the moon,we are go.

Weather, show me mid-60's.

Weather, 67ºF. Toasty. We are go.


Sunshine, three straight days, we are definitely go.

Shirt sleeves?

Shedding outer three layers … 3 … 2 … 1 and we now have short sleeves. We are go.


Eight hour shifts, outside. As always … we've been here all Winter. Rain or shine. Mostly rain. We are go.

Cut the chatter, Exposure, no one likes a whiner. Gloves?

Come on, people, do we have work gloves or not? Let's see some glove lines, I want this tan to look ridiculous. GLOVES—!

Gloves! We have gloves, they were in the wrong drawer. Sorry, Gloves are go.

Don't scare me like that.

All right now, steady as she goes … good, there's no reason we can't get some neck lines going, too. Beautiful. Aaaand … stop! Okay folks, let's go home to assess.

Shirt removal in 3 … 2 … 1

<Applause, laughter, cheers, sobbing>

That's it! We did it! We have achieved Farmer's Tan, Stage 1. Good work, everybody. I knew we could do it! Looking good!

Okay, thanks for your hard work, everyone, we'll see you back here later on for FT Stage 2, Shorts and Socks. Target temperature 75ºF.