Need I say more?
During this season
of overlapping passions—the garden harvest frantic but winding
down; the fantasy football season just kicked-off but already kicking
my … anyway, it came to me, this vision. Like some beautiful
chimera born of two affectionate but very confused muses, it's an
idea so perfect it practically writes itself.
Think about it.
You like the capricious experimentation of the annual harvest; you
like tearing your hair out over meaningless statistics; you love
the artificial confidence and
superiority that comes from besting others in a competition of
more-or-less random events (and willfully ignore the self-loathing
that is the flip side of the coin) … well then why not combine them
all into one mixed-playdough lump of bewildering (but entertaining!)
awesomeness?
Take
a small group of competent, versatile gardeners, get 24/7 media
coverage of the crops and varieties they are growing for the upcoming
season, and then let millions of rabid spectators join in the action
by choosing which crops from which gardeners will produce
particularly high yields in a given week. Imagine the draft
strategies, the conniving trades, the trash talking! Brandywine
tomatoes from Farmer John on a week where rain was forecast!? Hey
rookie, I've seen
better tomatoes in a fast-food salad.
Look,
I'll lay out a team format for you all to follow. By next March, I
expect leagues to be formed and mock drafts in full swing. Here's
what your team lineup should consist of:
- (1) Legume
- (1) Stone Fruit
- (1) Soft Fruit
- (1) Pepper
- (1) Brassica (Broccoli, Cauliflower, Cabbage, Kale, etc.)
- (1) Cucurbit (Squash, Melon, Cucumber, etc.)
- (2) Root Vegetables
- (2) Tomatoes
- (1) Flex Crop (basically a wild-card)
- Team Salad (all the salad greens from a given gardener's field)
This
is just a template, of course. Within your own league, your
commissioner will be free to tweak the numbers and scoring system to
better suit your growing region/league members.
Pretty
sweet, right? I know. So what are you waiting for? Go on, you've got
research to do; only six more months until next year's fantasy
gardening season kicks off!
Now, I'm off to
scour the planet for the three or four other people whose interests
are so abyssaly disparate as to understand all the terms used in
this post. Maybe they'll join my league.
