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Saturday, June 14, 2014

The Accursed Serpent

Just some useful info about a common garden pest.

...The Accursed Serpent, by which I am, of course, referring to that most petty, subversive and vile of outdoor beasts: Contortus aquatica, better known as the common garden hose.
C. auatica is not a native species, but has been routinely introduced into backyard habitats the world over. It's presence can usually be inferred by tell-tale signs such as broken plants, toppled statuary, and persistent foul language, either shouted or muttered under the breath, by any nearby humans, a natural enemy with whom it has struck an uneasy symbiosis (tending toward parasitism). Gardeners, a peculiar subspecies of human, in particular seem vulnerable to hoses, and may, in fact, be largely responsible for their introduction into the cultivated ecosystems upon which they wreak so much havoc.
Once a garden hose takes up residence in a given garden, a human will normally initiate contact in order to (hopefully) take advantage of the hose's unique ability to move large quantities of water to any desired location. The hose clearly resents such manipulation, and although it relies on the human's utilities as a source of water for its nest (indicated by all manner of poorly constructed hose reels, cradles and racks), it will stop at nothing to sabotage his plans.
The chief mode of defensive action employed by the Contortus is the kink (from which its generic name is derived), although it can just as easily resort to the tangle, the leak, or, as previously mentioned, violently lashing out at or snarling nearby plants and objects in hopes of visiting destruction upon some target of value to the human host (the garden hose cares not for collateral damage; once again, it is a petty, cruel creature). Any one of these tactics can be sufficient to incite anger in the average human, but the gardener subspecies, with its labyrinthine garden beds, full of vulnerable pet plants and precarious, sentimental garden art is an easy target. A successful attack by the garden hose on a gardener can result in apoplexy, for which the most commonly prescribed treatment is going inside and watching TV. Obscene muttering under the breath, however, can continue for hours after the attack.
Contortus aquatica is officially listed as a noxious, invasive serpentine species and should be eradicated wherever encountered. Gardeners are encouraged to employ watering cans or just wait for rain as safer solutions to their irrigation needs.

1 comment:

  1. Penstemon e. GayfeatherJune 14, 2014 at 9:21 PM

    We have a mature specimen at our house with permanent kinks and an uncanny ability to find and ruin young plants.