Now that the birds
are chirping and blossoms are bulging once again, it's time for
everyone's favorite Fencebroke Promontory Spring gardening tradition.
No, not sowing seeds or fawning over tulips or anything so watercolor
as all that. I'm talking about—that's right, you guessed it:
Revenue Diversification.
I know, right!?
Yeah, we're pretty
pumped, too.
Woo! Okay, okay,
but settle down, I've got more blog to blog.
In order to fill
Fencebroke's coffers ahead of this Summer's eagerly-awaited but
financially vertiginous addition to our family, we are exploring new
sources of income. And while last weekend's end-of-driveway Free
Plant Sale proved wildly popular amongst neighbors and passers-by,
its net contribution towards the family general fund revealed some
serious flaws in concept or accounting or both.
Allow me then, in
the spirit of throwing half-baked things against the wall to see what
sticks, to present a brand new product from Fencebroke Industries for
immediate distribution and sale: The Grim Garden Hands®
lifestyle kit. Because, I'm thinking, who wouldn't want hands like
these? (I'm banking pretty heavily on this assumption, so please tell
me you want hands like these.)
 |
| Looking good! And so can you. |
I mean, aren't you
just bored to death of your clean, pain-free, non-scarred and
-cracked hands? Do you lay awake at night wondering whether your hand
veins are grotesque enough? Does your bandaid budget go wasted every
month? Well then, the Grim Garden Hands®
lifestyle kit is the reasonably-priced solution for you.
This
one-of-a-kind kit includes all the accessories you'll need to
cultivate the enviably macabre hands of a horticultural professional.
Here we have an assortment of bandages; some old damp work gloves for
culturing various fungal skin afflictions (gloves must be removed
whenever hand-injury is a real possibility—these are not, in any
circumstance, to be used for actual protection); a length of black
rubber garden hose to permanently stain your hands a ghoulish black;
our proprietary dessicant hand-creme (now with bits of grit!); a
special sub-fingernail dirt applicator; and a couple of
concrete-filled pots, which you'll want to carry around by fingertip
in your free time to really get those hand veins throbbing.
In
addition to these awesome tools, you'll receive a copy of my
eight-part instructional video which covers, in excruciating detail,
the excercises, lifestyle changes, and attitudes you'll need to adopt
in order to take your hand abuse to the next level. Here you'll find
it's not just about gardening, but also the broader, determined
recklessness with which you must deploy your hands in all aspects of
life. Why, truth be told, I've suffered more grisly hand injuries
while grocery shopping than when I'm hard at work (seriously, this
has happened twice in the last two weeks … what gives?).
Yes,
this is truly a remarkable product you won't find anywhere else. Why
won't you? I refuse to speculate. But now, for a limited time only,
the Grim Garden Hands lifestyle kit can be yours for free!
… Or,
like, ten bucks I guess—sorry, my accountant is making scary
throat-slashing gestures at the word “free”. So we'll go with
ten bucks.
