Soon to be renowned!

Thursday, June 25, 2015

Fencebroke Promontory Waterpark

That's right, in the true spirit of Summer, everyone's favorite promontory is diversifying its revenue stream once again!

Wading pools! Sprinklers! Drip irrigation! Watering Cans! Why not come on down and see what all the hubbub is about?

Well I pretty much just told you what it's all about … but, you know, um, still come on down, otherwise our revenue stream won't diversify all that much. As it is, most of the outflow of said stream has been redirected straight out of the garden hose in an attempt to keep the most critical of Fencebroke's crops from wilty mutiny in what has been an extended and premature dry spell for the Northwest.

So as long as we've got the hose turned on, why not pay us money to join in the fun!

Run through the sprinkler as we struggle to keep alive a doomed patch of spring-seeded lawn! Take turns watering veggie seedlings—don't stop, or they'll die! See how many watering cans you can carry to that one bed the hose can't quite reach! Whoa, don't give up yet, see if you can beat your own record! Dip your feet in one of our two—that's right TWO! luxurious kiddy pools. Or dip one foot in each pool because … well, the pools aren't really that big. Or take a trip down the water slide! I mean, it's a water slide if you put water on it! As it is, it's just a slide. OK, it's Daisy's slide, and usually she's on it, but I'm sure if you ask nicely she'll … well, it's Daisy's slide, I won't speak for her.

Let's see, what else is there? Oh—hoses! There's no more refreshing way to cool off than trying to move a dripping soaker-hose from the berry bed to the fruit trees! Whoops, looks like you've got a few kinks there. Yep—and there … don't worry, it's all part of the fun!

What a great way to spend a hot summer day. If you're looking for a bargain, swing by for our early bird special pre-dawn watering. It happens every day before I go to work! Bring coffee and don't talk to me. For an even more immersive experience, come for the early bird watering and then tag along as I go to work and spend another several hours watering there! Be entertained as I hilariously attempt to justify this exorbitant water use by taking shorter showers myself. Ha! Then stick around and place your bets as I … reveal the monthly water bill!

How high will it go?

You'll have to come on down and see!

Thursday, June 4, 2015

Rutabaga Debate-a

I'm sure you've all been here before, but it's a new one for me.

At long last, having plucked that most elusive specimen—The Perfect Rutabaga—from the garden, after too many seasons of hand-wringing, worm-ridden failure, egged on by the halcyon aftertaste of sweet earthy flesh on the tongue years before and the coy promise of more to come, I am torn by indecision.

Do I eat it or save it?

Preservation concerns aside—I'm sure there are any number of readily available cryogenic/taxidermic/embalming options out there for the root enthusiast—I am faced with a narrow window in which to make the prudent decision. I mean, this rutabaga is beautiful, is it not? (A more manly man than myself might deny the tear in his eye when beholding its lumpy perfection, but not your humble narrator.)

Like staring into the face of God.

So do I add it to Fencebroke's trophy case, to hold court for posterity alongside other such priceless horticultural treasures as The Spiral-Carrot, The Two-Headed Raspberry, The Tom Waits Potato and The The One Squash That Didn't Get Powdery Mildew—or do I subject its purple splendor to the torment of slicing, cooking, mashing and all the other disgraces of being food, just so I can taste what my eyes know to be true, that this is indeed The Perfect Rutabaga?

Plenty of painful deliberation to come.

Also, does anyone know how do cook this thing?