Soon to be renowned!

Monday, September 19, 2016

Fantasy Gardening League

Need I say more?

During this season of overlapping passions—the garden harvest frantic but winding down; the fantasy football season just kicked-off but already kicking my … anyway, it came to me, this vision. Like some beautiful chimera born of two affectionate but very confused muses, it's an idea so perfect it practically writes itself.

Think about it. You like the capricious experimentation of the annual harvest; you like tearing your hair out over meaningless statistics; you love the artificial confidence and superiority that comes from besting others in a competition of more-or-less random events (and willfully ignore the self-loathing that is the flip side of the coin) … well then why not combine them all into one mixed-playdough lump of bewildering (but entertaining!) awesomeness?

Take a small group of competent, versatile gardeners, get 24/7 media coverage of the crops and varieties they are growing for the upcoming season, and then let millions of rabid spectators join in the action by choosing which crops from which gardeners will produce particularly high yields in a given week. Imagine the draft strategies, the conniving trades, the trash talking! Brandywine tomatoes from Farmer John on a week where rain was forecast!? Hey rookie, I've seen better tomatoes in a fast-food salad.

Look, I'll lay out a team format for you all to follow. By next March, I expect leagues to be formed and mock drafts in full swing. Here's what your team lineup should consist of:

  • (1) Legume
  • (1) Stone Fruit
  • (1) Soft Fruit
  • (1) Pepper
  • (1) Brassica (Broccoli, Cauliflower, Cabbage, Kale, etc.)
  • (1) Cucurbit (Squash, Melon, Cucumber, etc.)
  • (2) Root Vegetables
  • (2) Tomatoes
  • (1) Flex Crop (basically a wild-card)
  • Team Salad (all the salad greens from a given gardener's field)

This is just a template, of course. Within your own league, your commissioner will be free to tweak the numbers and scoring system to better suit your growing region/league members.

Pretty sweet, right? I know. So what are you waiting for? Go on, you've got research to do; only six more months until next year's fantasy gardening season kicks off!

Now, I'm off to scour the planet for the three or four other people whose interests are so abyssaly disparate as to understand all the terms used in this post. Maybe they'll join my league.