Rocks 4 Sale

Wow! That's all I can say. I can't believe we're letting these babies go. That's right, this week only, we're making available to our most loyal patrons a select handful of authentic stone ... artifacts (well, stones anyway) unearthed in the construction process of Fencebroke Promontory Gardens.

You there! How would you like to take home your very own piece of gardening lore? Well this little potato-shaped number here is the very same rock that invoked a storm of foul language when it lodged in the tines of my digging fork! You can't put a price on that kind of history! What am I saying, of course you can!!! $39.95. Plus $9.00 shipping and handling. Plus a $14.95 … convenience fee.

Or how about this bad boy here? This near-boulder was buried in the exact spot I needed to put a fencepost. What are the odds? Well, now it can be yours for 3 payments of $98, plus another payment of … um, $98.

These prime specimens of local geology are just flying out the door, so be sure to claim yours soon! Not your typical fieldstone, despite what they seem, no sir, each of these rocks has been imbued with the very essence of Fencebroke. See that spot, right there? Essence, I tell you! $249.95 for … a dozen. A baker's dozen. Buy a dozen for $249.95 and get a baker's dozen free.

We have only a very limited supply of these mineral masterpieces—I mean it's not like they're found in every shovelful of dirt! (Maybe every other shovelful, but still!) Limited! Rare, rare, rare! They're certainly not piling up uselessly alongside the shed.

Plants die, but rocks are forever!

A rock a day keeps the doctor at bay!

Unleash your inner rock!

Buy them all and use them to make a fire pit—

—actually, that's not a bad idea. Over on the side of the yard, there … hmm.

Nevermind, false alarm everybody. There's no sale here, these rocks are spoken for! The rock bubble has burst. Rocks are yesterday's—oh screw it, you get the idea. I have a fire pit to build!